Monday, April 12, 2010

Creating ME!

Over my lifetime so far I have mastered many tasks, mastered many obstacles, made many choices, right and wrong, found my way, lost my way, fell and got back up, not all was with style and pretty, some things left scares that seem to be not healing well, some things I just dusted off and moved forward, I sucked up a lot of things, and swallowed my pride a few times, I did things I am ashamed of, things I am not particularly proud of, things that made me smile and things that made me cry, I sought help and I was stubborn doing it my way and my way only, I have lived in my protective shell to keep me safe from who knows what. I have been lonely and just alone, there are things about me as a person, that I don't particularly like and try to master a different way, not personality flaws, but more behavioural deficits. Mainly there are two big issues in my life, that have plagued me as a  child, all through my teenage years, as young adult to  as an adult and now mature adult, things I think I should have under control by now and that shouldn't cause me so much pain at any given time. "Issues" ( I like to call them that) that I am tired of having. Funny thing is people don't see that in me and that makes it even harder, because it makes me feel like such a fake at times, because I don't see myself the way you might see me.  Does anybody know what I mean? So since human behaviour always has been an interest of mine I have read plenty of books and secretly always hoped I would come across that would resonate with me and maybe help me. There have been some things that I could and have applied to my life, but still the issues remained. Well the one is not really an issue, it's more a  personality trait that ends up in behaviour that I would love to change, but that is a little bit  harder to deal with, because it is just how I am and I can't change my personality nor would I want to. I have talked about a certain book in one of my older entries, that really helped me see me as I am and finally accept that that's just how it is. Now the other issue is really an issue and a big one, and the other day I found a book, well actually two, but the one is like the words came out of my mouth, every word written in it I have had swirling through my head all my life, wow...sure hope this will bring some light on how to deal with this issue. Woo hoo. The other one, I call it my little book with amazing power, power to understand the issue and dealing with it. Finally... well I sure hope the things I have learnt will stick with me. But I won't find out until the next trigger unleashes it's forces.
Somewhere I read that it's not about finding yourself, but it is about creating yourself....well I am creating the ME and I am still work in is the best ME I can be.


DebH said...

You have shared so much in your writing and I agree on personal "issues". Seems I have been so busy my last 40 years doing everything for everyone, I forgot me! Oh..I have loved doing for my family, but truly..I love the idea of finding me in your writings. I always try to conform to what others need or expect. I too feel like a fake,,when in fact I would rather say or do something entirely NOT what they expect. Don't get me wrong..I wouldn't hurt people, but I sure wish I would just say some of the things that I REALLY Feel and not always what THEY are begging for. Human brains are just impossible to understand sometimes, but I guess thats a good thing!!

Joanna@BooneDocksWilcox said...

At 53 yrs old, I forgotten a bunch of stuff or don't care to hold on to so much anymore. I stay focused on my animals and stay very content with my world.

DM said...

you my dear friend just keep being the you that you are. Thats why I love ya!...hugsssss

ME said...

So true DebH,-the human brain works in mysterious ways and is hard to figure out at times. I also agree with one forgetting about us, I think that's what happens when you are a mother, wife, professional, friend, and whatever other title and label we can slap on us, there is not much left in time to spend on us just as a person with wishes, wants and needs. Now that my kids are a little more independent, it makes me time a little easier. But it was hard in the beginning to even know what i want or even like.
Joanna- aren't animals just the greatest? They make you almost forget the world around you, and I must say you have the cutest goats that's for sure, especially the babies. OMG just love those little guys.
As for DM- well you have to love me or life at work would be miserable as heck lol....:P