Thursday, November 13, 2008

Well then....

Today was the most dreaded day for me. A sure recipe for disaster through my eyes, something that I have avoided for over a decade, for various reasons, but the main reason is my fear of the men in white. In my life I had various incidents with doctors, that were less than pleasant and they left me with horrific fears and terror of going to one and everybody who knows me knows I am just going in absolute emergencies. Well over the summer I developed a condition for which I ultimately had to seek medical attention, which wasn't easy for me, but since things weren't getting any better, I had no other choice. I have my current doctor now for a little bit over 3 years and she had seen me maybe just in the beginning for some urgent matters and once these were resolved, I haven't seen any need to see her. During the first dealings with her, I must say I was happy with her care, she was compassionate and nice, approachable and easy to talk to. So when this summer the next thing showed up, she thought I was long overdue for a physical, well you think so? lol And I remember the day I left her office, almost in tears because I know the horror this will bring to my life and not a day went by were I wasn't dreading that day....well today was that day. I could have just cried and the one thought that went through my head was "I don't want to do this, I can't do this." Over and over again. I knew my blood pressure would be sky high, my face flushed bright red and whatever else was a sure sign of my anxieties about what was going to happen. The nurse took my blood pressure, which wasn't horrible high at all, I got weighed ( great my scale at home is totally accurate, so there was a plus) and she measured my height. Then it was time to strip down, but I could leave my socks on and sat on the little table bed. The doctor came in and she asked me about any concerns I had, so I told her and we went over some family history, and all the things that are wrong with me, funny, I usually think nothing is really that wrong with me, but when she started to list everything that is, no matter how minor, then well there are a few things that could need fixing lol. She was very happy with my progress on some issues, she was checking out my main concern and thought I should have that taken care of and hopefully things could improve. She was actually very compassionate about it and thought I was way to young to live with this, and she suggested to see a specialist about it and she was going to make an appointment in Hamilton for me to see him. She gave me a tetanus shot, which she kind of sneaked in without me noticing, well I knew I was getting one, but she does every needle so nonchalantly that you totally miss it, which is a good thing. Even the most dreaded parts of the examination were done so nonchalantly that it was over in no time and I don't really remember anything bad about it. Not a feeling of awkwardness or shame or embarrassment, it was so easy and no big deal with her. Absolutely great, it was such a relief and so refreshing to have not had anything negative come from her at all. I am so glad that this experience was not as horrible as predicted and as horrible as previous ones, but even though it will be a long time til I have somewhat faith in doctors, I have faith and trust in her, but that is only one of many to see. Not sure if I am ready for that yet. Will wait and see.

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