To realize that one is the only one in charge of one's balance is at times a hard pill to swallow. The use of external solutions and excesses plays a big part of getting one's need and wants met in an unhealthy way, well at least not in the way they were intended to be met, but often it's the only path one can take without giving totally up on the things one wants and needs. Take away the external solutions one stands pretty barren and empty. Not much there to fill you up and give you that false sense of high and love and accomplishment or whatever need you try to fill. One comes to the conclusion that one only has oneself to fulfill all those needs and wants, and one has to rely on oneself. You can't make people love you, you can't make people care for you, you have to do all of that by yourself. Having nurturing people around you will sure help you on your journey,if you can see and feel it, but most of the time one's vision is blinded by one's own self pity, doubts, and unkind voice from within. So taking away the external solution (even though it was one's own choice), not having any nurturing outside influences and definitely not having an nurturing inside oneself,then there is not much of it to go around, it makes for a cold and hard and long journey to find the things one is looking for, even though there all already within.
Here is to another cold day in hell.