Monday, June 02, 2008
Up and down
Today has been a totally up and down day for me. I took to heart a few things I have learnt over the last few weeks and started to split up my day accordingly. When my P.I.C. called earlier in the morning I was in one of my moods, not really sure why exactly, just know that I was. I answered the phone in a less than pleasant tone and kind of grumped at her at the mere suggestion of going out for a little bit for coffee and some shopping. Well I went even though at the moment I wasn't in the mood for it at all, but I decided I can be miserable like this later again when I get home, and trust me I was. We went to Value Village and the liquor store and then for coffee at Williams. We had a nice chat about work and private trials and tribulations and then we went home. I spent some quiet time just watching TV and decided after lunch to give something a try that I haven't done in a very long time, the last time I tried it I didn't get very far and I was very leery and actually very apprehensive about doing it. I went and rode my bike. I wanted to go the circle I used to go many years ago, but wasn't sure how far I would get. Well actually with huffing and puffing I made it to the turning point of the circle, only to realize that I would have to take the same route back due to the link to the main road being fenced off due to construction. As I stared down the route and wondered if I should turn around yet and try to venture further more (wasn't sure how I was gonna get back at this point anyhow), the decision was made for me when I saw a coyote tracking ahead of me and waiting, well I wasn't gonna go there now for sure. So I turned around and made my way back home. As I parked the bike back in the garage I was mighty proud of my little accomplishment and that it didn't turn out as disastrous as I feared. I went inside and tried to finish of some work for the programs and then out of nowhere some really awful thoughts just hit me and I balled my eyes out for good an hour questioning everything and everyone under the sun. I must have fallen asleep out of sheer mental exhaustion because the next thing I wake up to keys turning in the door. Well that's better than being woken up by the door bell. :) By now it's 4:15 pm and I still have a few hours ahead of me and who knows what they have in store for me. It seemed to be so much easier to stuff my feelings any way I can imagine with anything than going through the motion of feeling and coming out of it on top. But stuffing doesn't change things it just numbs, neither really does feeling things but at least it's one disgust with myself less. Oh joy the fun of being ME.