How to...?

Well just gonna skip the whole bla bla about the now and being present, I got that already and partial packed down good in some moments, now comes the bigger question that posed the hardest task for me: how do you accept the unacceptable? The one thing you based your whole life around, the one thing that was your only desire in life. Do I just accept the fact that this is unacceptable to accept to me and how is that suppose to help me then to deal with it? I am at a loss here, totally out of the loop and it totally baffles my mind. How do I get my brain around it? I can accept and forgive myself that I sold my soul to the devil to achieve it in any way possible even if it was in a false sense and definitely didn' t have the outcome I wanted or needed. How do I let go of the one thing that I desire the most in life and what is life without it?
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Not in a happy now right now, but where ever I go there I am.