Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Can I do both?

This is not really a blog for anybody to read, just for me to think out loud. I have always treated my blog as my personal diary, I know some say it's not, because it is somewhat public, but for me it is the first time ever to put my thoughts, my insights, my learnings down on paper or shall I say on screen. I can't rip any pages out, because I don't like what I read when I reread it a few week later, given there is always the delete button, but I can proudly say I never taken any blogs of or censored them in the thereafter, and that is a big step for me. Usually things that don't apply to right now are usually not of any value to me anymore, so I toss them aside, but in the end they are all small steps forwards and yes sometimes backwards to a greater goal, the ME in me. So at least I have mastered to accept the things I felt and said as part of me even though I might not be at the same state of mine anymore right now.  The past few weeks and especially the last few days have been exhausting to say the least.  I have been exhausting to myself. I am once again at a crossroad and have to make a decision on which way to go, it's nothing drastic, life altering,  it won't have immediate effects on others, it is just within me. Some things have been going great, but there are still nagging little issues that need to be dealt with and I am starting to wonder if I can do both, well I know I can do both, it's just a matter of being so totally new to me and so totally not me as I know me. Is it like walking and chewing gum at the same time? I don't have a problem with that. I am talking about Talking  the talk and walking the walk. It's not about if I can or can't, it's about making the choice to do it or not. To have trust in myself that I can handle the outcomes, it's been hard so far but I am still standing. I am not sure if I am just dealing with stress or if I am actually staying in the moment and working through  it.  How is one to know? I definitely know right at this moment, that I won't apply anything to my outside world, meaning work and social situations, I am dealing with me and only me on the inside of My World, not even on the borderline, but right smack middle. 
I have been told by different people  that I am a good listener, a good friend, someone you can trust, someone you can rely on, that I am very in tuned with emotions and feelings, sometimes to much though. My view might be a little bit warped to some, but all in all, I do have valid points to get a cross a lot of the times, and always put a different spin on the situations. I know a lot of my friends come to me not for advise, but just to put another perspective on things for them. I don't mind. I am sometimes totally shocked with the things I say, because as I am saying them, I know they make total sense and are totally rational to me and most of the time even to them, but knowing all that, why is it so hard to adhere to myself, and that's what I mean by talking the talk and walking the walk. I am great to come to for insight, but I have a hard time applying this insight to ME. Well over the last few weeks I have been listening to my words of wisdom, and it is hard to wrap my brain around it at times. It's hard and exhausting to stay with my thoughts and feelings and working through them and around them instead of pushing them down and ignoring them. So I have been doing a lot of sitting, just sitting with my feelings and feeling them where they need to be felt. No wonder I have a headache and am so tired, I know I have not been the happiest the last few weeks, and I have been moody and withdrawn, but I needed to listen to myself and stay still within me. So that's where I have been and still are at this very moment. 

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