Thursday, April 24, 2008

My Pain-body

Holy Crap, wow, well my EGO does/did an amazing job at hanging on to my pain-body at times and feeding itself to get such a strong hold on it, no wonder I am/was so f***** up and no wonder I had/have such a hard time coping with myself and no wonder I had/have to try to resolve the pain at times with extreme measures such as total self abuse. It makes total sense now, and I think if I can remember and live by what I learnt about how my EGO works and what it needs to survive, I can hopefully loosen it's grip on me and my mental states. Wouldn't that be a peaceful life.
My pain-body would react to certain situations repeatedly the same way over and over again and therefore feeding the ego with exactly what it needed to grow and spinning in a circle of thoughts and reactions. I know it wasn't pretty at times, well actually absolutely ugly and pathetic. Even though I was totally aware of it when it happened, there was no way of stopping it until it came to the end of it's course, meaning until the ego was filled up enough, well for the time being at least.
Now having the knowlegde of what the actual purpose of it is is, it should be manageable and made to pass along easier and faster.
My pain-body was one that would feed on feeling abandoned, whether it was real abandonment or just the fiction of my imagination, and that's what I would react to over and over, whether it was by a friend leaving, being left behind in a hospital, somebody dying or just my perception of someone leaving emotionally, it didn't really matter the thought process in my head was the same, whether it was logical or not. I can honestly say that I have been somewhat at peace with things already, otherwise I would have not taken the recent "abandonment" of a friend (and no it's not abandonment, it's called having a job) as well as I have and coped with it so nicely. Yes I miss not having them around right now, but for the first time in a long time there is not this panic in me, that all is lost and nothing will ever be the same. Things are just the way they are and that's just how it is. Simple as that, nothing more and nothing less.
It's all in the presence of your being, nothing more really.

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