Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an Aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lb.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it
the other day after I said "Body how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bitch ... do it and die."
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.