Monday, December 17, 2007

Holiday eating tips

Since this is the time of family and friends get-togethers, I think we need to begin prepping ourselves for the coming onslaught of
food. Be realistic - this time of year is an eating extravaganza, so let's be
honest with ourselves about how we are going to handle things.


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go
next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You can't find it any
other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in
every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two! It's later than you
think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy
does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Damn, have a glass of gravy if nobody
is looking!
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole
milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for
free. And lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for
long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-
pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. Remember, NO CARROTS!
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're
never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you
don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards people.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from
the table, you haven't been paying attention. Start at the top!

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