Friday, January 19, 2007

Being exposed

Ever felt like your whole life is starting to crumble to pieces, because you feel like a fraud and someone found out and is announcing it to the world? It's a part of me that is pretty much well known by my friends, but not the extend it actually is and now it's out there, I have to face it, I have to deal with it, and so will everybody else. I am not willing to compromise my mental wellbeing for a few hours of a job. It tears me apart on the inside, and it makes me sick to my stomach and it makes me angry that people just don't understand and think it's a thing I can just get over it. If it was that easy as taking a few training lessons wouldn't you think I would have done it a long time ago? It has nothing to do with lack of training and/or lack of confidence, it's just something that goes against every fiber in my body and it's just part of me. Would I like to change it ...yes... do I know I think practise will help... no... this is something I wouldn't do in front of the closest friends, so it has nothing to do with anything but me just being totally uncomfortable and not wanting to do it, just because it's not me.I am not one to be put on the spot and I am not one to perform in front of others for others. And the people who know me, should know that about me.
I do appreciate all the efforts to help me, but I don't think there is anything that anybody can do that would help, I know this is one of those do or die feelings, and I feel I am definetely on the dying part of it, no matter how often I have done it, how much I try to convince myself it's not that bad or hard, it feels like dying and it doesn't get any better with time or practise. Simple as that.

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