Monday, August 28, 2006

Being my own little expert...

It's funny how fast you become your own little expert on a topic that just entered your life. I learned so much and read up on so much on it over the last few days, that I pretty much know the whole dynamic and course stuff can take. Doesn't mean I know the outcome but I am definitely more informed about things. My mom rather would have us not read up on all the stuff that could be, not that she is in denial, but she wants to look at the positive side and be optimistic about things. Well an optimist I am not, I always have been more of a pessimist, always preparing for the worst and than being thankful and happy when the worst that could have happened didn't. I hate that part about myself, because it causes a lot of unnecessary worry at times about nothing. But I don't think in this case there are any unnecessary worries. The facts stay the facts and only the outcome might be severe or not so severe.
I talked to my mom on Saturday for good two hours about a lot of stuff, how our family deals or not really deals with things,we always have this silence about us, even in "heavy" situations, like nobody wants to talk about it, not that it will go away that way, but we all deal with things in our own quite way, and when everybody does that, nobody talks to anybody about anything. My mom even said that her and my dad never talked about it, even though they knew he was going to the hospital, it wasn't talked about once, they just hugged ever so often out of the blue, but never said a word. In the end the other ones do understand our silence and still know what's going on.
I just know from my mom that dad is really relieved in a way, not that's over, because it's far from over and just the beginning of a whole new journey, but that it's finally being dealt with and out in the open.
I think the members of my family are good at having their own little internal secrets to protect the other ones from pain, no matter at what pain it cost us. I know that is dumb, but guess a family trait of ours.
Figure this , my dad even had the nerve to ask the doctor what would happen if he doesn't let it get removed, he just told him that he will regret that for sure. But hey that would sound familiar to me, we are always looking for the easy way out. lol. Another family trait. Damnit, I sure learnt more about my family in the last week than I ever knew about them in all my life. Well maybe I knew it, and I was in denial about them, lol, because they aren't the best traits to have.

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