Sunday, January 08, 2006


Well this feels and looks very familiar, at certain turning points in my life, my mother would hand me a book and tell me to read it and move on, so at 15 I got a book about "sex and all the things you don't dare to ask about it", can't remember shit from that book. So last week I received a package from my mom containing a book, and of course the topic had to do with turning 40. (The title "Finally over 40", the world belongs to the confident woman, or something like that, well I am sorry mother to inform you that the confident part is highly absent from my life). I know she means well( well at least I think she does), but her approach to things isn't always what I need or want, but I will work on that this year. I would like to be friends with my mother, be seen by her as a mature woman not as her little girl. Do stuff with her like with girlfriends and get her out of her mother and look after everybody mode. I don't know, is that possible? I know it will be harder because of distance, but it is worth a try, because sadly I have to admit I don't really have any kind of relationship of substance with my mother.
It's strange to think of the relationship we had when I grew up, where and how I see my place in my family back then now and how I didn't want to raise my kids that way. And I did partially different, but I think the end result is kind of the same. Unfortunately. So I am starting to wonder what would be the right way to raise kids. Obviously must be a balance between the two styles, I don't think we did such a bad job, but somehow the kids see it differently. (Whether I am the child or it is my children or anybody's child).

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