Sometimes when I speak things don't come out exactly how I meant them, whether it's through language barriers ,or because of the filters ,the person I am speaking to is hearing it, or because I just don't seem to get my point across properly. Sometimes I keep quiet because I am afraid things I say might be taken the wrong way or misunderstood. I admire the ability in some people who are just saying what they want to say and not wonder or worry about what it will do to others, but sometimes I wonder if they really know what they are saying, or are they just speaking to hear themselves talk, or do they have an certain intention with what they say?
And then others really need to think before they speak. I know I have taken a lot of things in the way I saw it fit to be heard, but it wasn't the real intention of people to say it like that, or was it? How are you suppose to know the difference? I guess it's all again about my own filters. But still...
*I remember having my weight issues discussed at each and every family gathering, I think their intention was the one of help and concern, but all I ever heard was I wasn't good enough the way I was, I would never get anywhere if I stayed that way and so on. Their concern didn't feel like it came from a place of love and I think that would have made a big difference.
*I remember a friend saying to me, after I told her about a session I had with my counselor, and how good it is to have someone who listens, that she( the counselor) had to listen to me because I was paying her. That statement really hurt, because it was almost well nobody would want to listen to me unless I paid them. What was their intention with that statement? So I wasn't good enough to be listened too unless I give you money? GEE, and I wonder why I have issues talking about myself? Hm, think again ME.
*What is people's intention when they judge you for things they have done in their life and it was ok for them at that time, but when you do it, it's incredibly wrong?
*What is people's intention when they take something, told to them in confidence, and tell everybody else and embellish things to make it sound even more interesting?
Right now the verse "STICKS and STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES but WORDS WILL NEVER HARM ME" comes to my mind, and I don't agree with that one at all, because I believe nothing hurts more and harms you more than words, and they leave invisible scares that no one will ever see or feel except the person carrying them inside. I know the words have only the power I am willing to give them and mostly it's how I see it that has the power to hurt me, but nevertheless, those are scares that you carry with you for a long long time. Sometimes I wish all the verbal and emotional beatings I got, would have been physical, because people would see them and they heal after a while, but emotional scars can definitely cause a long term pain inside one's soul. I think it was Dr. Phil who calls them burns of the psychological skin.
Every day I have to make a conscious decisions to not take my past as truth and let it influence my present relationships with friends. At times it is hard and all good intentions are not enough, especially on my BAD DAYS.