It's sad to acknowledge that the walls around me that keep me safe, also keep everybody else out. I have learned a few new things in regard to me and how I function and operate, but it is really hard to convert that knowledge into action and it is an intentional choice each and every day, they always say "practice makes perfect", and yes I have to practice it everyday until it becomes an automatic, like a new habit.
But given my past experiences it is understandable that I feel the way I feel and I have to acknowledge that too and move forward from there.
I have read it all, listened to it over and over again, but somehow I have trouble connecting what I know in my head to what I need to see in my heart. I just want to get it so bad.
Walls are designed to protect. Protect what?
No matter how many walls I am entrap myself behind, giving more and more power and time to the pain that I seek to protect myself from feeling.....The pain is always there, close by, maybe an arms length away, a cut away, a burn away, or a few twinkies away....There, waiting ever so patiently to be felt, acknowledged and expressed.
The "original" wall, that so annihilated me, that threatened my very existence so completely, emotionally,that fractured my ego to one degree or another is not mine. I have to go back, get in touch with those feelings, from that original wall of wounds. Feel them and express them, safely and I can then learn how to set myself free from the walls that I am still building. I need to let the "original pain" in, let it flood in, then, learn to cry, grieve it, express it, let it flood out. I can then systematically, slowly, over time begin to dismantle my walls.(Well I have been working on that for a long long time, and it's not going as fast as I would like to, it's not as easy as just letting it go). I know those walls are build up from old pains and no longer serve a purpose, but they are very strong and sturdy.
The main bricks in my walls are:
not good enough
not being heard
etc.. I can find more when I have more time