Friday, November 04, 2005

Daily life and in the end one is all alone anyway

Sometimes daily life just gets in the way of my progress and it upsets me to know how much certain things still trigger old behaviour, I know I have gotten a lot better and stronger and those situations don't drag me down as much anymore as they used to,now I know what I know and tomorrow is always another day to start fresh and begin again with the intentions of being the best me I can be.
It is scary to realize how much power certain triggers still have over me, and on some days they just get the best of me, and no matter what happens I am the one still standing when it's all over, despite it all. The last year has been a year of many changes, losses, acknowledgements, and personal heartaches, and sometimes the pain of these happenings is just too much to handle for me. Not because that it is impossible to overcome, but because it triggers a whole lot of issues I still haven't fully dealt with and as long as they keep coming up there will always be those hellish days. And hellish days they are, and they are acted out in making the invisible pain inside my heart visible. It's like a relief to get all the stored up emotions out, loud and clear. The only way to make the pain visible. The urge to express my feelings this way might be triggered by strong feelings I can't express any other way- mostly feelings hurt and abandonment. I feel I don't fit in or that no one understands me.
Some people have claimed to see my pain, have claimed they understand, have claimed to be there ( and maybe they have and I don't see it), but in the end I know I will be all alone with this anyway, nothing anybody can do, nothing anybody can say, I have to see it myself and work through it. Just me and myself.

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