Friday, February 03, 2012

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

Well it used to do that for me, but it's been a long time since I listened to my music, even in the car, and I usually don't go anywhere without music. Ever! But even the joy of that tiny little daily pleasure was sucked out of my life by the emotional upheaval of the past months. The few times I did listen to music, I couldn't finish one song and was constantly going through my play list to find a song, a song, any song, but there was just nothing that played to my heart anymore. On my drive up to the DSC on Wednesday, I listened to music for the first time in a long time without constantly changing songs, so that was definitely a  sign of improvement of slightly feeling better. As some things have gotten better just since Monday, other things have transpired over the last few days, that I really didn't expect and some of them are causing me some concern, but I am also so aware of them and hopefully will be dealing with them. Well actually today a trip down to the lake was planned but because of a Workshop this has been postponed to who knows when. I have been in contact with a few of my past co-workers and it is been great to finally support each other and talk about it. I find it sad, but also understandable, that now since the elephant is out of the bag, people support you when it was all brushed under the carpet as it was happening. Knowing that you can talk about it, makes such a difference too. Yesterday was my first evening with my new boss and I must say, it was great. I was a little bit nervous, but I also was determined to confide in her what was on my mind and where my mind is at right now, on every level, what she was going to do with that info  was up to her, ended up so that I didn't feel the need to at that point in time, because she made me feel so at ease and I thought, well I can do this. I will not let the other one win and go down. I have to prove it to myself that I can do it and I have to prove  it to all the people who believed in me and scooted me along the last few days. But as for right now I still have to fake it until I make it. At work last night we were at times quietly working along beside each other, but often the conversation went to the most talked topic in the department, I found out a few more things of all the events and we had some good conversations, but boy there is really nothing that was kept quietly between all of them, because on numerous occasions when I brought something up she remarked, that she knew about it. I also take big comfort in knowing that she knows about all of it, not just the last few months but also the events that happened  years ago, and her acknowledgement that we went through a lot. There were a few humorous moments at work last night too and even the patrons commented on some of the changes, my first order also last night was to help out some of my guys at work and the joy and gratefulness was undeniable and at the end of the night, one of them came in remarking how messy the office is and said didn't we just do this a few months ago? He was most appreciative of the new changes and that made me smile.
I'm sorry if I ramble on about work so much, but it has been a long time coming and it helps to finally talk about it freely, without anybody picking things up and apart, it's not a secret anymore, it's not something to hide from anymore and be ashamed of. It's all out in the open and as it goes the truth and honesty will always win in the end. And to stick with my donkey philosophy the moral of the story is.... no matter how hard you try to cover your ass, it will always come back to bite  you.  There  you have it.

1 comment:

Autumn said...

The donkey saying is justtoo funny..and true.

Hang in there.