Thursday, March 24, 2011

I'm coming out!

Taking a deep breath and just let my thoughts spill onto this screen without any censoring or after thoughts,  once it's out there, it's out there, no way to distract it, I can delete it, but no, I used to do that when I was younger rip out pages out of my diary because it wasn't accurate anymore or I didn't like it, I can say I haven't done that with this blog at all and sometimes I go back to entries from years ago, and I wonder what the heck I was trying to say or what did I feel that particular day and that's ok, obviously it was important then but isn't anymore, so in a couple of years I might say the same about this entry too. But as for right now it's on my mind and well here it comes.....
Over the last almost three years I have been on a journey to be more true to myself, parts of this  journey have been physical and parts have been mental. Today I deal with the physical ones. If anybody can self criticize it's me, whether my hair is too wavy, my butt too big, my arms too flabby, my toes too crooked,(and thats being kind to myself right now),there are a million things I can find wrong with myself when I look in the mirror, but I am sure I am not the only one, usually we are own biggest critic. As I was self examining and picking apart myself this morning,  I thought about something else for once, my scars. Physical scars and emotional scars that have manifested themselves into physical scars, some by just showing up while others were self inflicted. Oddly enough I always wore my scars proudly, well at least the ones that have a story behind it,  but really they all have a story behind it. Some scars tell the stories of surgeries, some tell stories of accidents as a kid like having a bad fall of a bike or jumping of a boat and getting caught on a screw that stuck out, some scars are from other mishaps that make really good stories, like the cat attack or the fall down the stairs with a hand full of glasses or just the tumble from the top floor to the main floor, because I was in a rush etc. Some scars don't make good stories, especially when they started out as emotional scars and turned into self inflicted physical scars, like cuts or burn marks, well not so proud moments, but nevertheless stories of my life. And then there are the stretchmarks, well some tell the story of two great pregnancies, one being a twin pregnancy and the other one just  having a big baby, but then there are the stretchmarks that appeared from years and years of medicating oneself with food and as much as I hate them now more than ever, they are a part of me and tell part of my life story, so I have started to accept them and know that they will be a daily reminder of the things that once were, things I have rid myself off and things I don't want and need in my life any longer. I have made new choices, I have made some changes and for the first time in a long time I can honestly I AM HAPPY AND AT PEACE!
But then there are also all the scars of your heart, the ones nobody sees and not many know about.

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.” Harry Crews


Sharon said...

Good Morning, Tina!
Yep, physical scars mean we have undergone some trauma, but they have healed, they are just a reminder. I used to hate my body, face, hair, but they are me and I no longer want them changed. Even the most glamorous people want to fix some silly imperfection.
Scars of the heart seem to stay, they are always there, we do our best to hide them from ourselves, until someone takes a look and brings them back to light.
Some scars, one can never overcome, but they make us who we are today.
Have a most lovely day! :-)

Tina said...

I so agree with you Sharon, everything that happens to us makes us who we are today, and today I wouldn't change a thing about me, doesn't mean I like everything about me, but I can live with it lol. Have a great day too....I need a Hazel to do my house lol.

Peggy Lee said...

You have encouraged me today. Thank you. I am so very critical of myself.
Ya know....I'm not so bad after all!

Canyon Girl said...

Your journey is taking you to a better place within. It makes me happy to see a smile on that little face you have to indicate your feelings of the day.

The birth of the donkey foal was something else. So special. I also saw a stillborn one and that was a pretty bad experience. That was from a domestic donkey. The foal that I named Storm in the picture was by a wild burro that had been rescued.--Inger

Shari said...

I enjoyed reading this post Tina...helps me learn about you already, with only my first visit to your blog!
And you have twins huh????? We have TRIPLET grandsons!!!!!

Pumpkin said...

I honestly think more people would be happy if they were happier with themselves :o) Good for you!