A new challenge!

I think right now I am in the right mind frame to commit to this self imposed challenge, I know it is no walk in the park, it's harder than anything else, especially when you do it all by yourself, with no support inside my four walls for this, and minimum support outside of my four walls, of course there are plenty of people who would like to support you, but sometimes it's hard for them to find the right things to do to support you, and that's ok, because I fall into that category too, it's something you have to figure out all on your own, what works, what doesn't, how honest are you about it, how much do you lie to yourself about your efforts, how committed are you to the process, what are you willing to do to achieve it. I so believe that the right state of your mind is half the battle, and until this week I wasn't, even though i am having a horrible day today, I have been remembering the things I have learnt, that even though it's not a great day, it's not a bad day either. Sometimes mother nature isn't gentle with you, sometimes the people who you try to count on, fail you, doesn't mean I am blaming their behaviour on my failure, because I am in control of myself or not, but it sure would be nice and make things maybe easier, having said that I know it's my effort and my struggle and my doing or undoing. It's easy to give up when things don't go  the way you had hoped, it's easy to just sabotage yourself without outside influences helping you right along with that. I remember that when I join a certain group they had a thing about not being negative, and really it is key to me at least. Negativity is something you pick up really easy, seems to be transferable from one person to another in a matter of minutes unless you make a conscious effort not to jump on the bandwagon. I know I can go from being totally content to totally miserable within minutes, sometimes due to circumstances around me or just the people around me.  Sometimes it easier than other times to eliminate the toxins around you, and I know sometimes I might not handle it the right way, but it is the only way I know right now how to handle it and until I have learnt to feel safe from those influences in another way, I use the way that works for me. For me  now (because it sure wasn't always like this, trust me) every attempt, every effort, every success no matter how small is something to be proud of and to celebrate within yourself, things might not look grandiose to others, but it's to you as an individual. And you
need daily reminders of where you have been and where you are now, no matter how stuck you are right now, you aren't where you were a while ago and you are not where you want or need to be, you just are.

So on Tuesday I made a renewed commitment to myself, for  no other reasons but my very own. I signed up for a National Challenge hosted by one of my favourite TV shows, well we will see how it goes....so far I am pumped, despite the crummy day today. :) So that is progress right there to earn me a star on my progress chart lol.

But so despite this happy, cheerleading kind of pep talk to myself, there are also emotions stirred up inside of me of which I am not so proud of and which are anything but positive, e.g there are somethings that went on at the last meeting at this particular group that pissed me off to no end, but like my usual self, I soak it all up and work through it afterwards in my own way, one of the disadvantages I think of being an introvert, that I have to mull things over first, to find what I really want to say, at the very moment it is happening it just stirs up an emotion without any concrete thoughts, but wait till I have had time to think about it and how I felt at that moment...I am still waiting for the day when those words come to me right in that very moment and will just open my mouth right there and then. Just then world watch out.....!