Friday, September 10, 2010

Safe and feeling better!

Part 1: Sharing and feeling safe!
That I am sharing some of my thoughts and happenings in my life on a blog is pretty "huge" for me, as really I don't let a lot of people know the  me, the things that make me tick, the things that work for me and against me. People might think they know me but only a few have really figured me out, and not to be mysterious about things but for the simple reason if I  share I need to feel safe with doing so. Safe from being judged, from being ridiculed, from being not taken serious and just not being heard and understood. There are only a few people who really get me and understand me or at least try to understand me, not that I am that hard to be understood, but I choose who I let in and who I feel safe with. Nobody walks in my shoes, nobody has my thoughts and my beliefs, my feelings and my fears and joys. All as unique as the next person. What might be huge to me, might not mean a thing to others, doesn't mean it's wrong the way I feel or they feel. Nobody knows my thoughts that don't ever make it into written words, sometimes I choose wisely what to share with people,  and sometimes it makes me sad that I have to do that to feel safe in my own little world. But one learns by experience and by example. And my personal safety and integrity means more than anything to me. Might be a lonely world at times, but then I don't mind being alone, actually I am good company to myself most of the time. 

Part 2: Feeling so much better and a decision made!
So today I had a really rough day, not really a 100% sure what was going on, or maybe I did know but didn't really wanted to admit it to myself, after all sometimes I feel like such an idiot with my mixed emotions and thoughts, so I think it was more the last one as the reason, but after talking it through in depth with J. and getting it all out, and not being judged about the words that just came out of my mouth, sorting things out and putting them in the right "box" in my brain, and analyzing them to where and why and how, I felt really good and energized coming out of our little meeting, and yes I know some of my 'friends' judge me for that too, oh well! Not only do I  understand now why and how, but I know how to deal with it and I know the answer to a question I was struggling with, not a big question really, but was more about what it represents and what I want to really say with it, and really all I need to say is "Thank you!" One of the biggest, most heartfelt  "Thank you' I have ever had the pleasure to hand out!
The weekend will be a grieving process, a good-bye to a dear special friend and a huge thank you for being and giving. It will be rough, but it will be also a start to grow and learn from it and kind of stand on  your own. It sure will be another leg in the journey of life and the never ending growing and learning process....awwww some changes to be made or be stuck at the same for a while...I guess the choice is mine.....he he he sounds familiar? lol well I guess that is another chapter to be tackled in "As  my world according to Me turns". Stay tuned lol!


Farmgirl_dk: said...

Oh, Tina...what a private and personal posting. While I don't understand the details behind what is going on in your life, I can certainly feel the depth at which you are hurting and the strength you have inside you for making the choices necessary for keeping yourself safe and healthy.
I understand too well what it's like to be a private person with a strong sense of self-preservation and protection. I, too, do not open myself fully to many people.
I understand.
I'm thinking of you today and hoping that you are not only smiling, but getting to spend some time with a donkey or two.

Sharon said...

I do not understand your quandary, but it is not for me to understand or I would indeed understand.I understand your need for privacy, so I will not poke or pry, just know I will be around when you need somebody.

Tina said...

Thanks you two!