Saturday, June 12, 2010
How much is enough/normal?
This is usually the scenery for me for anything new and unfamiliar, this morning is no exception and I know tomorrow will even be worth. I am trying to keep my breathing under control and I know a few nerves are normal and good, but omg when is enough enough? I can give the greatest pep talks to myself, I can keep myself visually to others under control, but internally all that goes down the river really fast once I am in the situation and then I feel it's just a struggle to stay afloat. Feeling like that takes so much joy out of things that I would consider fun and not really that hard to do, yet for me it's just a totally emotional and gut wrenching disaster, and I am really getting tired of it, beause at that moment this just totally takes over my life and my thought process and everything else surrounding it. Needless to say I have been like that all my life, it doesn't get any easier with age or practice nor are the levels of anxiety and nervousness different with different situations. I have tried everything from taking pills that calm you down, to deep breathing exercises, to meditation to whatever else one tells you to do, but nothing seems to help. Funny thing is once it's all over, I know I will think to myself, well that wasn't that bad, so why all the angst before it and I promise myself to not let myself get to that state the next time, but it always is the same ole same ole. The thing is I know I can do it, so what's the problem really? Grrrrrrr!!!!!!!
I hate when my brain works overtime, wish it would just shut off in times like this and let me enjoy the moment and just have fun.
Well I am off to the DSC with mega knots in my stomach, to the point that I feel like throwing up right now...and geez today is only set up....can hardly wait til tomorrow lol.....Hope everybody enjoys their day!