Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The dreaded "A" word....(another controversial view?)

I remember I was about 14 years old when I was in my dad's office at home, and the phone rang. I answered the phone in my usual way, saying "hello" and stating my name, a woman was on the other line, she didn't ask to speak to anybody in particular, she didn't say who she was or really what she wanted, all she said was that she wanted to inform me, that my dad was having an affair, she didn't say it was with her or who it was with, and then she hanged up. Now in my mind there was no way this was true, my dad was always home when he was suppose to be home, he never ever had any unexplained trips or any unusual excursions out of the house that were out of the norm, any free minute he had, he was either in his home office working or in the living room with the rest of the family. There was never a time were any of us questioned where he was, so it was absolutely impossible for this to be right. Most importantly you knew how much he adored and loved my mom, so this comment of this lady, whoever she was, was absolutely absurd. I just pushed it aside as she must have had the wrong number or the wrong person in the first place. I never to this day ever mentioned this conversation to either my mother or my father. Just oddly enough a few months later it was found out, that one of our neighbours, who was also a teacher at the same school as my dad, was having an affair with a student, and that family had to deal with the consequences of it.

I have learnt a lot about the dreaded "A" word over the years, as a basis of my believes I totally agree with what my mother always said about it: A marriage where you as an outsider can come in and help break the vows, is not a marriage the way it should be to begin with. And I totally believe that, unless you have a solid understanding and a solid marriage, and you both get out of the marriage what you want and need, you are not immune from an affair, nobody is under these conditions, your choice might be different, but are you immune from it?
Statistics have shown that about 60 % of men will have affairs and 40 % of women will have affairs, and the number of women having affairs is on a steady climb.
As in everything it takes two to tango, it takes two to make a marriage work and a marriage fail. It is never just one person's fault alone. The other person's behaviour towards you might be a reason, but it is still your choice.
"Why do people have affairs?" Well the answer to that question is as individual as the person who is having the affair, but there are forces within the individual that pull them towards an affair ( like attraction, sex, companionship, falling in love) and there are forces within the individual that push them towards an affair ( like to escape or find relief from a painful relationship, boredom, to fill gaps in an existing relationship, to get attention).
Usually there is no one single reason a person has an affair.
There are also different kinds of affairs, affairs can be strictly emotional, sexual, and/or both.
I also view affairs different when it comes to the marital status of the people involved and I find that makes a big difference how you feel inside this affair and what your expectations might be. E.g. say you are a single woman having an affair with a married man, you are madly in love with him, he tells you all the things you want to hear, about leaving his wife for you etc, but I am sure over time you will realize that you will always be number 2 and most have no intentions of leaving and marrying you. Any way according to Dr. Phil marriages that result from an affairs have a less than 5 % chance of surviving, and I have to agree with some of his thoughts on affairs, like if he does it with you, what makes you think he doesn't do it to you? There is sometimes wisdom in his quotes.
Your expectations are totally different when say both of you are married. You know there is a time and a place for your relationship and there is a predominant time and place for your other life.

To have an affair or not to have one is an individual choice, I am not saying it is right, but I am also believing that sometimes we need to do what we can to make ourselves happy, if leaving or timing is an obstacle at the moment.
It is amazing how many people you see, that are having an affair and sometimes it is so obvious. And really it is nobody else's business anyway. And just because information is out there, and some people will make assumptions, that doesn't give you the right to make up your own little stories to further your gain of feeling important.
It is out of my hands what assumptions people will make from this blog entry and I am sure some will, but I don't really give a crap, because it's still my world according to ME and only I live and experience my world this way.


Anonymous said...

I agree 100% with what you have stated. It doesn't matter who assumes what and what they THINK they know. What ever choice a person decides to take is THEIR business. Let the assumers have their joyous gossip time. No one has a right to comment on anyones behaviour...always remember this...people in glass houses should NOT throw stones.

Anonymous said...

An outsider can not ruin a healthy and happy marriage

ME said...

Isn't that what I said???

Jayne said...

been there done that. And I can say it outloud. Doesn't mean I am proud, just honest. I have a new respect for my life and a very deep respect for my husband and family, as it is now. Many things go through your mind when in this situation. Some people NEVER admit to doing this. I can honestly say that as my life was THEN who the hell would have blamed me. For all I went through I only had one person turn their back on me. God forbid it happen to them, like that would have been my fault. As my life is now I can honestly say that the only thing that will come between our marriage will be death and now adays I'll be out in 10 years. lol
I do agree with the 2nd no-namer stating that an outsider can not ruin a healthy and happy marriage but as we all know, insiders can ruin a family too!