My Castle

I always feel locked out, lonely, a spectator and an outsider. I am there, but I've never got the feeling that I fit in and I am never certain that another time I'll be welcomed.
Imagine the following: I live in a castle, a beautiful old one. But I live there all alone. The castle is all empty. There is no furniture, there's nothing on the floors, the walls are bare. There are some built-in closets but the doors are ajar and the closets are empty. There are innumerable floors and rooms and everything is empty.Around the castle there's a moat and of course there's a drawbridge and a heavy gate. Far away from the castle is a fence. On the other side of the fence are people. They are having a great time because I see them laughing and talking. But I can't understand what they are laughing and talking about. I can't go out and they can't come in. I'd like to belong with them. But I am an outsider. I am there but also I am not.

So that's how it feels for me when I am in company of others, like they know something I don't, like they are talking about things I can't hear and if they are laughing it could be about a joke but just as well about me. That's no basis to trust you belong with people, and it sure doesn't give me the trust that I always will belong any where.