Thursday, November 17, 2005
Where is my place?
All my life I have tried to fit in somewhere, to find my place in this world, now almost 40 years into my life I am still in search of my place. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find my place, it almost seems like an impossible task to accomplish. I have made decisions in my life that I can't change but who definitely haven't been in my own best interest and I am paying the consequences for that every single day. Mostly because I don't seem to be able to let go of my mistakes and just dwell on them, but they are so significant, that it's hard to get passed them. From the time I was little to the time I turned 21 I was trying to find my place within my family,I was so busy to be whatever anybody wanted me to be to fit into my own family and my circle of friends. 1. Mistake right there. Then at 21 I moved to a different country, figuring since I didn't fit in with anybody here, maybe I can start totally new and begin from scratch over here. 2. Mistake. Language barriers and a new and different environment made it very hard for me to be. There was nobody around but me and my new family. I made my first acquaintance when I was in the hospital having my twins, she was there giving birth to her daughter. We spent some time afterwards together, going shopping and out for lunch, but then we moved again and besides a visit here and there, we lost contact and everybody just went on with their life. I didn't make my next acquaintances until the boys started Kindergarten. With one of those woman I am still friends today and that is probably the longest friendship I have since arriving here. After I had my daughter we moved from that area into a new part of town, that was kind of a shock, because here I go again, moving away, not far but nevertheless moving. The boys started a new school and I met new moms and with some I formed close bonds at that time. Which I thought was great, maybe just maybe now I can start enjoying my time with friends, since I swore not to move away again, ever. Everything was great, but the more I hanged out with them, the more I realized how out of place I was once again. They kept comparing notes about Highschool, friends, acquaintances, things they did, places they went and so on. Well I had nothing to contribute to that at all, I didn't grow up here, I didn't run into people I knew and they might have known, I didn't know anything about any of the things they talked about and once again, I felt so out of place. And I started to isolate again more and more, what was the point of hanging out with someone, you have not much to talk about.My way of growing up was so different from theirs, I didn't understand their life and I felt like they didn't understand nor were even interested in my life. What makes the whole thing even worse now is that when I return to my home country I feel so left out again, I feel there just as much as a stranger as I do here. I don't have a family here, except the one I created, I don't have a mother I can just go visit or drop my kids of because I need a break, I don't have any of this. I know it's nobody's fault, I know those are the choices I made for my life, but nobody seems to understand why I feel all alone at times. But once again, whose fault is it? MINE.
So the only place I can find is my place within my self and hope to get some peace that way. Lonely but at least at peace.