Saturday, November 12, 2005

My core beliefs

Core beliefs are perceptions we have about ourselves, lies we have made up in our heads, truths we have heard from others about us ,and from which we then form our beliefs of our own truth.
Our belief system gives us a framework that helps us interpret and understand the experiences we face in life. A belief is something we accept as true, without question. Our beliefs are deeply embedded in us, so we and particularly our team of protective inner selves, live our life around them, without thinking about them, questioning them or even being aware of them.
I know as part of my belief system, I have developed negative beliefs about myself, that actually helped me fit in to my family environment by making sense of things that happened to me,things that would otherwise be very hard for me to live with. These beliefs helped me survive. My core beliefs became a kind of summary of the most basic convictions I made up about my selfworth, the kind of person I was, what will become of me as a result, my place in the family and the world and how I can expect others to treat me all my life.
My core beliefs:
* not good enough( incompetent)
I'm not valuable
I'm nothing
I'm worthless
I'm invisible
I'm insignificant

* not good enough( unloveable)
I'm not lovable
I'm plain and dull
I'm not special
I don't matter
I'm unworthy

* wrong
I don't understand
I'm not understood
I'm always wrong

* not safe
I'm afraid
I'm uncertain
I'm vulnerable
I'm not safe to be me

* unwanted, different
I don't belong
Everybody leaves
I am alone
I am unwanted
I am unimportant
I am left out
I am abandoned
I am not important
I don't matter

* defective, imperfect, bad
I am guilty
I am imperfect
I am ugly
I am stupid
I am unattractive
I can't be me
I am a failure
I am useless
I can't make myself clear
I don't deserve to be loved
I don't deserve to be cared for
there is something wrong with me

* powerless, one below
I can't
I am weak
I can't stand up for myself
I don't have any choice

I am missing the truth because I am so busy with the lies. As long as these lies exist in my head daily life will trigger them. A trigger can be an event, a specific comment, a specific experience, an action by another person, it can be a particular sight or sound, a sudden flash of a past memory, a tone of voice.Triggers (usually or always) ignite my immediate, strong and automatic reaction or bring on feelings of extreme pain, discomfort, fear, confusion, disappointment or devastation. Some of my triggers have been with me all your life, many have been there since early childhood. Usually, they will set off the same reaction each time I am reminded of the original situation.
Ones the core is struck the inner voice takes over and reinforces the negative belief with "truth" and awareness. As an adult I have the ability to counter these thoughts with positive ones. Which so far has been an enormous struggle for me, because I still have a hard time seeing, hearing and mostly accepting the positive things. But like I always say, I am work in progress and I will get that too eventually.

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