Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Like tapes running through my head

"You are so much more than you can see!You are so much more than you think you are!You are so much more than you have heard about yourself?"

It's sad how I took the words of others about me as my personal truth and how hard it is for me now to just stop playing these tapes in my head over and over again.I think like anybody else I do like compliments, but they make me extremely uncomfortable. All positive thngs that are happening with me don't make a difference in how I am feeling. It's not coming in, it's falling into a big nothing and I don't know where it goes, I can't access it, I might remember that something nice was said, but I can't recall what it was.Sometimes when I am comfortable around someone it's over as soon as I leave, I can't even remember how it felt at that moment. Now negative things on the other hand, well they just confirm what I already know about me, so I take those things in quite eagerly, just as proof that everybody was right about me.
Negative things I know well, I don't like how they feel but at least it is kind of a proof that I exist.
I know the negative tapes of selftalk don't run quite as frequently anymore, but they still pop up ever so often and then I just dwell on them over and over.
I have learned to take good things in, acknowledge a compliment with a simple 'Thank you', but I won't remember them a few minutes later.
I wish I knew where all this positive stuff disappears to and how to access it.
Well I am sure I will manage that too one day. Hopefully!

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