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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Heart vs gut feeling 1-0

Unfortunately this was an all to familiar feeling for me and something I really try so hard to get a grip on, there is a thing like healthy nerves, but this was just getting right out ridiculous and for some reason the more I tried to master and ignore the feelings and thoughts, the more they came to the forefront and usually I don't have much of an imagination but oh boy when it comes to stuff like this my mind just goes bonkers and totally out of control. It's not just shortly before, no it can start some months before things will actually go down, the closer it gets to the event the  worse it gets, to the point were my anxiety is just totally taking over my life. It takes then all I have in me to either deal with it or just dismiss it like it won't matter, but usually it does matter to me and I need somehow find a way to deal with it. A lot of times I am not even sure what makes this all so horrible and unimaginable for me. At times my mind goes totally blank, I totally miss were I am and where I am suppose to go because my mind is so preoccupied with it that I don't hear or see anything around me and that sometimes is a little bit scary itself, because I never know what I will do, my initial instinct is always to run, I never get very far, and I have to pace myself. I usually get really quiet and try to concentrate on my breathing and just try to get my mind wrapped around other things. Sometimes I wish I wasn't thinking so  much and living in my head, but just do instead. So this time was not any different. I was horrified of the event, not really of the event itself but the feelings that were going with it and the  closer it got the worse it became, to the point that if I could have separated from my body somehow I would have. But this time with all the anguish and a lot of pacing back and force and trying to calm my breathing and the drive to have wanted to do this all my life, I went for it, it wasn't pretty or graceful but I did it anyway and I sure want to do it again really soon. So this time my heart feeling won over my gut instinct and I am so glad I listened to my heart. Phew!

8 comments:

Louise said...

Sounds like things came out all right. That is a very GOOD thing.

polly's path said...

Good for you...I know what you mean. I Hate, HATE conflict and avoid it at all cost. I hate stressful situations, I am just a very mellow person..so when i know something stressful is coming, I do my best to do my part and then I avoid thinking about it(I guess sort of an ostrich approach) and hope at the end it will all work out. More often than not, it does.

Tina said...

Louise-yes it came out alright...better than alright even and it was a very good thing...
Polly- you are so right, afterwards I often wonder what the big deal about it really was...but having a good outcome more often than not does unfortunately not guarantee for me that it will be any easier the next time and that is what I hate the most.

Tracey said...

Now me, I'm loud, proud & have a big gob! I wade in & think later....then have a breakdown! xxx

Tina said...

Tracey_ its funny how we are all so different...I have a break down before and then are all happy and good afterwards.... well most of the time..in this case I was....
And you know what ...when you all find out what it was...you gonna be laughing at me...:( lol

Sharon said...

Anxiety over the unknown outcome is always worse than what we are afraid of.

Canyon Girl said...

I had fears too when I was young. The worst was fear of the fear. And the best help was just DO IT. Freeway driving, airplane flying, heights, public speaking, on and on. None of that is as scary as the being afraid of the paralyzing fear. I'm OK now and I think you are on the right track -- talking about it with us and actually DOING the fearful thing. Good job.--Inger

AJ-OAKS said...

Well, I am curious as to what had you so anxious and it turned out better than you had expected.
Strange how our minds work!
Happy it all came out great. :)