Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Heart vs gut feeling 1-0
Unfortunately this was an all to familiar feeling for me and something I really try so hard to get a grip on, there is a thing like healthy nerves, but this was just getting right out ridiculous and for some reason the more I tried to master and ignore the feelings and thoughts, the more they came to the forefront and usually I don't have much of an imagination but oh boy when it comes to stuff like this my mind just goes bonkers and totally out of control. It's not just shortly before, no it can start some months before things will actually go down, the closer it gets to the event the worse it gets, to the point were my anxiety is just totally taking over my life. It takes then all I have in me to either deal with it or just dismiss it like it won't matter, but usually it does matter to me and I need somehow find a way to deal with it. A lot of times I am not even sure what makes this all so horrible and unimaginable for me. At times my mind goes totally blank, I totally miss were I am and where I am suppose to go because my mind is so preoccupied with it that I don't hear or see anything around me and that sometimes is a little bit scary itself, because I never know what I will do, my initial instinct is always to run, I never get very far, and I have to pace myself. I usually get really quiet and try to concentrate on my breathing and just try to get my mind wrapped around other things. Sometimes I wish I wasn't thinking so much and living in my head, but just do instead. So this time was not any different. I was horrified of the event, not really of the event itself but the feelings that were going with it and the closer it got the worse it became, to the point that if I could have separated from my body somehow I would have. But this time with all the anguish and a lot of pacing back and force and trying to calm my breathing and the drive to have wanted to do this all my life, I went for it, it wasn't pretty or graceful but I did it anyway and I sure want to do it again really soon. So this time my heart feeling won over my gut instinct and I am so glad I listened to my heart. Phew!