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Friday, March 12, 2010

F*** me! ( pardon my french)..Coming to full circle again....

....damn that was a long five year loop to go to just end up at the same point you started out at...wtf? Ok I must admit things have changed a great deal in some perspectives and yet in others I am not any further ahead than I was say five years ago, now that is f***ed up and a good waste of time, if you ask me. I mean in general I do like myself, might not like a few things about me here and there or some of the things I do, but who honestly can say they do? So that is a good thing, having said that there are just some things about me that I had to come to accept and make my own, and that is fine to and I have come to grips with most of them, e.g. being an introvert by nature how hard and draining it is for me to do certain things, like attenting social function etc, well it just takes a lot of energy out of me before and after and I need a few days to myself afterwards to get back to me. It's not that I don't like social functions, I do love spending time with my friends no matter where and how, or attend certain things, I do, but they just require a lot of my energy, and one thing I have learnt and accepted is the fact that that's just how it is and when you really get into the works of an introvert it explains it nicely how we are totally different wired brain wise than an extrovert and it is understandable and acceptable at that point. I know I lost a friend or two because of that, because they didn't understand or accepted that but saw it as me making excuses and before I would maybe agreed with that because I didn't understood it myself, but now I know I would have to have a total personality make over to change that, and who can or wants to change their personality, because who are you then if you try to be something you are not.....so there that mask came off.....having said that there are certain things I wish I could do and that wouldn't be so hard for me to do, however I don't think that these things have to do with being introverted but other issues that I can't find to get a handle on. And having an episode like that yesterday evening after attending a meeting I chose to attend, to learn a few things and to spend some extra time with some special friends who shall remain J, K,and T. to work on common goals, I came to the conclusion I either suck it up or don't do it, and that's hard to do, because I want to do it so badly and yet sucking it up would just create such havoc in my head that i am not sure if I can cope with that. So what's a girl to do? I guess it's another thing on the list to deal with....I am running out of space on that list though......arrrgggghhhhhhh!
Well having a blog has definitely been a great venue for me, because I do have things to say, whether anybody reads it or not, or cares even that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I think I should keep it more private, but then I don't care what people think or say about me, I know my mind is a little bit f***ed up and I am the first one to admit that ....so there......but at least writing it out takes it out of my head, because it's way too crowded in there.......
Well I am off to work...hope everybody has a great day......woo hoo....last day with the kids for a week.....YES!!!!!

2 comments:

AJ-OAKS said...

Hugs for being honest. You are who you are and if your friends cannot accept that, well, then they aren't true friends. Not everyone likes social events or crowds. I for one am uncomfortable at social gatherings. Don't know why, just am. But that is who I am...period! My friends and family accept it, just as I accept them for who they are. Just by reading your blog, it is easy to see that you are a kind hearted person. By the way, I very much enjoy reading your blog.

ME said...

Thank you so much. :)