Eclipse

To understand my actions, is to understand my motives. Often, my life is one of survival. There is no set way of living, because my emotions can change drastically from one minute to the next. I never know what reaction I will have to any circumstance, so this alone creates a certain degree of anxiety all the time within me.

To someone like me, feeling completely invisible, empty, and expendable is the norm.

There is an intense need for validation, to make what I feel real, to make what I think real, and to make myself real.

Having decided to go out with friends, only to lose my desire before I ever start. Wanting to have fun at a party, promising friends I'll go, and then getting depressed, apathetic or feeling tons of anxiety before I ever go out or on the way out. Hating myself for it.

Thinking I love someone only to learn one thing that is no big deal that destroys it makes me avoidant, and hateful to them, telling myself whatever I have learned about them is no big deal but not being able to get past it.

Starting on a project with all my heart, and then losing all desire for it before I get half way done. Constantly letting my fears and emotions control me instead of facts.

Always Letting people down, making people hate me for my thoughts, and thinking of myself as horrid, fake, despicable, unlovable, and unnecessary.

Guilt in everything.

Impulses, needing to do "something" to feel, to stop feeling, to control my feelings.

Trying to explain how I feel to the "pros", but not getting my point across and feeling fake and stupid. Feeling judged by everyone.

Thinking all the time, or not thinking at all. Loving all the time or loving never. Feeling intensely or feeling nothing.

Wanting something badly, or absolute apathy, sometimes this happens many times in a day. Having a point of view that feels like my own, feeling whole only to have it all taken apart by someone else's opinion and having no voice suddenly.

Never having an identity, looking for one outside me, looking for another part to play, desperately wanting my own but never having one. Hating myself for everything.

Critically over thinking my every thought, emotion, idea, and conversation, finding the one miniscule thing I said or thought that was not 100% perfect and wanting myself to pay dearly for it.

Just mass chaos, all the time.

Wanting to sleep, but not falling asleep, wanting to stay awake but falling to sleep, all at the wrong times.


Questioning my reality, wondering if my surroundings are real, wondering if I am really somewhere else, somewhere terrible, and making everything I see up to protect myself. Being so complex I get lost in myself.


Wanting to cry all the time, wanting to get angry, wanting to feel so badly, but being unable to experience fully all the emotions I feel that seem locked behind an immovable barricade within me.

Frustration with me.

Feeling like I am inherently flawed. My inability to deal with the memories or the lack thereof is my fault.

Feeling empty, blank, and invisible. Not having clear reliable memories of my childhood.

Deeply wanting a mind of my own, wanting an emotion of my own, a feeling of my own, a thought of my own but being so influenced by others that myself gets lost in it all, people thinking I am stupid because I do not have an opinion.

Needing someone to acknowledge me, but it never being enough.

Nothing ever being enough, and hating myself for it.


Never being fully happy, always my emotions masked, always subdued, even when I feel intense, being unable to express it.

Constant fear, self loathing and hatred. Fighting myself, and others, and myself again.

Turning to something that usually makes me happy to lift my mood only for it to turn on me.


SI and food as my drugs of choice. They stop emotions, they help me express them. It is not a healthy coping skill, and one that I have been working very hard to change.


The thought comes to mind that if I know that I act like this why not just stop? I have asked myself this same question in the midst of ruined relationships, lost hopes and many nights of depression. The point is, I can't see what I am doing when I am doing it. Then there are my irrational fears. They might seem irrational to others, but when I am in the middle of them, they are very real.

("Out of the Shadow")