Sunday, November 13, 2005

cont. on the topic of core beliefs

It's hard and sad to admit to having all these core beliefs about myself, it's nobody' fault or wrong doing, it's just what I heard and how I reacted to certain things, first I always said it's hard to figure out where they all came from, but once I sat down and thought about it, it didn't take very long to come up when and where and by who those things were said to me, about me and I just took them in as my truth, because if that's what people saw, then that must be what I am, now I know I am not, but then I didn't know any better and I am tired of these ugly beliefs about myself running my life and running my reactions to events. These beliefs are like self fulfilling prophecies, they predict how I will react and deal with things.

I'm worthless: I don't have anything to contribute to anything
I'm invisible:just because I am quite and shy, doesn't mean I am invisible, but I don't know how many times I met people and see them over and over again and I know who they are, but they don't know me, that hurts like hell and pisses me off.
I'm insignificant: I am not important enough to be listened to, to have an opinion or a thought.
I'm not lovable: friends just leave for no apparent reason,
I'm plain and dull: I don't do anything exciting and if I do, I never talk about it because it's not that big of a deal to me, nor would people be interested in it.
I'm not special: nobody ever said I was
I don't matter: that one is my personal favourite, because it can contain anything, my opinions don't matter, any thing I do doesn't matter etc.
I'm unworthy: well nobody wants to spend time with me, when I need someone nobody is there, any kind of rejection, I am not worthy of consideration, it comes mostly from expections I put on people, I am not worth the same effort I put into things.
I don't understand: confused about how things work, people function
I'm not understood: my points are always stupid and dumb
I'm always wrong: never do anything right, can't even load a dishwasher right.
I'm afraid: of anything, never was allowed to make my own mistakes
I'm not safe to be me: everybody just criticized anything about me, everything was always bad or wrong, so it was never safe to be me as a person.
I don't belong: anywhere, with friends, family, country, work,
Everybody leaves: everything that was ever good to and for me is gone
I am alone: I like being alone, but when I need someone I don't have anybody I can trust with my things. Where I can be totally free and honest without being judged or ridiculed.
I am unwanted: friends, husband, family
I am unimportant: not worth a thought
I am left out: it's always about everybody else
I am abandoned: friends just disappeared without any warning, left in the hospital alone for weeks, others went on vacation while I was left behind
I am guilty: of anything, I do anything for me, I feel guilty
I am imperfect: nothing is right or the way it should be
I am ugly: I was told that by the ugliest person I have ever met, and still I let her get to me. She wasn't even beautiful on the inside.
I am stupid: parents, husband
I am fat: my whole freaking family, omg, it was a discussion at every freaking family function, and I look at my pictures from that time,and I am thinking, what the f*** was wrong with you people to even make me belief that. I would give anything to be like that, but even then I agreed with them and now I am.

I can't be me: who the fuck is me anyway?
I am a failure: in everything I do, never finish anything
I don't deserve to be loved: I had lots of male friends, but I was never good enough to be a girlfriend, I was just always one of the guys.
I don't deserve to be cared for: nobody there to look after me when I need someone just to sit with me
there is something wrong with me: must be why would it be like that if it wasn't.
I can't: never had to do anything, everything was even to hard for me to even give it a chance, according to others.

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