It's hard and sad to admit to having all these core beliefs about myself, it's nobody' fault or wrong doing, it's just what I heard and how I reacted to certain things, first I always said it's hard to figure out where they all came from, but once I sat down and thought about it, it didn't take very long to come up when and where and by who those things were said to me, about me and I just took them in as my truth, because if that's what people saw, then that must be what I am, now I know I am not, but then I didn't know any better and I am tired of these ugly beliefs about myself running my life and running my reactions to events. These beliefs are like self fulfilling prophecies, they predict how I will react and deal with things.
I'm worthless: I don't have anything to contribute to anything
I'm invisible:just because I am quite and shy, doesn't mean I am invisible, but I don't know how many times I met people and see them over and over again and I know who they are, but they don't know me, that hurts like hell and pisses me off.
I'm insignificant: I am not important enough to be listened to, to have an opinion or a thought.
I'm not lovable: friends just leave for no apparent reason,
I'm plain and dull: I don't do anything exciting and if I do, I never talk about it because it's not that big of a deal to me, nor would people be interested in it.
I'm not special: nobody ever said I was
I don't matter: that one is my personal favourite, because it can contain anything, my opinions don't matter, any thing I do doesn't matter etc.
I'm unworthy: well nobody wants to spend time with me, when I need someone nobody is there, any kind of rejection, I am not worthy of consideration, it comes mostly from expections I put on people, I am not worth the same effort I put into things.
I don't understand: confused about how things work, people function
I'm not understood: my points are always stupid and dumb
I'm always wrong: never do anything right, can't even load a dishwasher right.
I'm afraid: of anything, never was allowed to make my own mistakes
I'm not safe to be me: everybody just criticized anything about me, everything was always bad or wrong, so it was never safe to be me as a person.
I don't belong: anywhere, with friends, family, country, work,
Everybody leaves: everything that was ever good to and for me is gone
I am alone: I like being alone, but when I need someone I don't have anybody I can trust with my things. Where I can be totally free and honest without being judged or ridiculed.
I am unwanted: friends, husband, family
I am unimportant: not worth a thought
I am left out: it's always about everybody else
I am abandoned: friends just disappeared without any warning, left in the hospital alone for weeks, others went on vacation while I was left behind
I am guilty: of anything, I do anything for me, I feel guilty
I am imperfect: nothing is right or the way it should be
I am ugly: I was told that by the ugliest person I have ever met, and still I let her get to me. She wasn't even beautiful on the inside.
I am stupid: parents, husband
I am fat: my whole freaking family, omg, it was a discussion at every freaking family function, and I look at my pictures from that time,and I am thinking, what the f*** was wrong with you people to even make me belief that. I would give anything to be like that, but even then I agreed with them and now I am.
I can't be me: who the fuck is me anyway?
I am a failure: in everything I do, never finish anything
I don't deserve to be loved: I had lots of male friends, but I was never good enough to be a girlfriend, I was just always one of the guys.
I don't deserve to be cared for: nobody there to look after me when I need someone just to sit with me
there is something wrong with me: must be why would it be like that if it wasn't.
I can't: never had to do anything, everything was even to hard for me to even give it a chance, according to others.
No comments:
Post a Comment