Sunday, January 29, 2012

A shift!

I have to admit I am more of a pessimist than an optimist, I rather be prepare for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised and happy that it didn't happen, but being pessimistic is such a negative way of thinking and it makes it hard to enjoy things, but it also saves you from a lot of heartache, since you already believe it won't work out. So for me being optimistic about something is very odd, but I now understand what somebody said to me the other day about being clear on something and knowing exactly what one's course of action has to be and how tons of weight are lifting of your being. I think learning from the friends I have and the people that have supported me in any way lately have contributed for me to have this giant leap of faith that things will get better.  We have exchanged the word hope with wonder, because hope can be lost so many times, but one can always wonder about things. Funny how changing one little word can sometimes make  a difference. It has been  no secret that I have been struggling with my main job for a while now, and that going to work has been playing havoc on my mind and body. Funny how little things add up over time and time again. Things, that you can shrug off one moment in some situations, become so huge that they can smoother you in the next. Things that might seem like nothing to an observer at the moment, but if you are constantly exposed to them, destroy your well being, your self esteem, your pride and changes the person that you thought you were. Now I am more grateful than any other time that I had and have good people in my life,  not people that stand behind you and stab you in the back or push you ahead of them to the onset of slaughter. Those friends have taught me to trust and knowing that we stick together and I am  not alone in facing things, and trust me this has been a long time coming, I usually do not trust or rely on others, because in most of my life experiences I have been thrown under the bus or left hung out to dry. Therefore I do things on my own even though I am most definitely a team player, if there is a "real" functioning team. Over the past week things have progress rather quickly in this particular matter and an impromptu meeting the other night signaled to me that they mean business. I can not tell you how very proud I am of all of us, for the way we  were brave enough to be completely honest and stuck together, even though we are usually not all on the same page, but it became very obvious to me that night too, that we all had suffered in silence and walked amongst each other with our little secret and fears. It saddens me greatly and it actually brings me to tears still just thinking about that night and how hard and emotional it was for some to bring forward what they had kept inside for so long. I think this experience will definitely makes us tighter as a group, and I have more respect and admiration for some of the  young women we have amongst us. It really took a lot of courage on all of our part. Maybe that courage finally came because for the very first time I wondered if there is a chance for change. Usually  I believe actions speak louder than words, but for a very odd reason and that's not like me, but something has shifted, I feel so much lighter and relieved, and I have put my trust in someone, who I really don't know at all and who knows nothing about me except  things I wasn't very eager to share  for obvious reasons. But there was just something about the way she said what she said to me, almost apologetic, and with genuine concern that makes me believe and trust her. And the aura of the surrounding has completely changed for me. Odd but most definitely safe and nice. Sigh!!!!!! :)

No comments: